Harris and Trump Speak at Memorial Dinner

We’re both Hoyas. We both needed the grace of Father Leo O’Donovan to help make sure that we got through Georgetown University. Thank you. And we both married way above our league with Jeannie and Phillip. And after that, our two paths diverged. And I became a nerdy investor and he became one of the funniest men on the planet. And tonight we get to celebrate with kicking off with Jim Gaffigan, a two-time, New York Times bestseller author, a three-time Emmy-winning performer, and a seven-time Grammy-nominated actor. And you are known very importantly here tonight as the king of clean comedy. And that is exactly what tonight has called for. And on a little bit more serious note, I don’t know if I would’ve made it through the past couple of weeks without your humor and your ability to help me get through these last challenging times as we’ve had a few hiccups along the way, and so in the spirit of what Sister Mary Catherine says, God bless you. Let the games begin.

Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, rich people. I got to be honest. I feel like I am at a casting call for Daddy Warbucks and I’m not going to get the job. Welcome your Eminence President Trump, First Lady, random millionaires who are not yet billionaires. Welcome to the 79th annual Al Smith Memorial Dinner. Please pick it up, yes. As you can see how we’re dressed, the theme again is Let them Eat Cake. Now, I understand some of you may recognize me as the guy who plays Tim Walz on SNL, but I want you to know that I’m going to be fair and balanced tonight, and I’m going to make jokes about both Donald Trump and JD Vance.

(02:46)
Now, I’d be remiss if I didn’t address the elephant in the room. You’re all thinking about it. Let me just cut to the point and point out who’s not here. And of course I’m talking about the middle class. That filthy group of people. Right, chuck? Do you know what I’m talking about? Can we have a round of applause for Chuck Schumer, right? Thank you. See, he does like being near microphones. But seriously, this is a special night people. This is the one night when Republicans and Democrats and Democrats who used to be Republican and Republicans who used to be Democrats and Independents and whatever Michael Bloomberg is now, we can… There he is, he’s up there.

(03:49)
I love how the front row doesn’t even look at me. You know what I mean? Do those seats cost more? How much does it cost to not have to look at Gaffigan? That’s my Bloomberg impression. I don’t know about you, I think this is exciting. This is very exciting, right? We are 19 days until the election and likely a civil war, and I’m nervous. You know what I mean? It’s like this is my first civil war, guys. I mean, I don’t own a musket. Have we decided who’s wearing blue and who’s wearing gray? Because I look better in blue because of my eyes.

(04:46)
But of course, let’s acknowledge our host for the evening, the Archbishop of New York, Timothy Michael Cardinal Dolan. Timothy Michael Cardinal Dolan. I tell you, as the father of five saying that name feels like I’m trying to get my kids to come to dinner. Timothy, Michael, Cardinal, dinner. My wife and I, we do have three boys, and I hope our son Cardinal doesn’t feel too much pressure to become a priest. Full disclosure, Cardinal Dolan is also a friend of mine, and I would never put him on the spot, but Cardinal Dolan, I’m curious. The Pope did say that this election is a choice between the lesser of two evils. And so two-part question. One, do you agree? And two, who’s more evil?

(05:52)
All right, I’ll come back to you. This, of course, is a Catholic event honoring Governor Al Smith, who in 1928 was the first Catholic to run on a major party. To put that in perspective, in 1928, Chuck Schumer was a first-term Senator, thanks for sitting here Chuck. Of course, Joe Biden was our second Catholic president after JFK. President Biden couldn’t be here tonight. The DNC made sure of that. Oh, I guess I’m the only one that reads history, but this is a Catholic event. I’m Catholic. Any Catholics here? Yeah, they’re yelling because it’s hard to clap when you’re holding a cocktail. If I could, I’d like to talk about my faith for a moment. Personally, I am Catholic because I truly believe that’s what my wife wants. In a way, she is my higher power and definitely a punishing God. Yeah, it’s true. I was raised Catholic, but I am Catholic today because of my wife, and she didn’t pressure me. She just said, this is what you believe now. And it wasn’t like the Spanish Inquisition. There was an implied convert or die. My beautiful wife, Jeannie is here with us tonight. Thank you. She’s not sitting on the dais. She’s sitting out there with all those losers that are only millionaires. It’s like, pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Right, Chuck?

Right.

Yeah. Today is a special day. Today, my wife Jeannie and I are celebrating our 21st wedding anniversary. Thank you. Thank you. We’re not, that’s a lie. But being on a dais filled with politicians, journalists, and business people, I felt obligated to tell a lie. I didn’t want them to feel out of place. Besides, I don’t know when our anniversary is. This event has been referred to as the Catholic Met Gala. 22% of Americans identify as Catholic. Catholics will be a key demographic in every battleground state. I’m sorry, why is Vice President Harris not here?

(08:53)
I mean, consider this. This is a room full of Catholics and Jews in New York City. This is a layup for the Democratic nominee. I mean, in her defense, I mean, she did find time to appear on The View, Howard Stern, Colbert and the longtime staple of campaigning, the Call Her Daddy podcast. You know what I think it is? I think she doesn’t like me. Chuck, do I have bad breath? But I love New York City. I believe that this city is the greatest city on earth. I do believe that. I have lived here for 35 years. I’m raising my children here, which is not for everyone. Sometimes a friend from home will ask, “Why are you raising your children in New York City?” And I always say the same thing, “Because I don’t want them to end up like you.” We’ve raised all five of our children in downtown Manhattan, and I can honestly tell you, it was a mistake.

(10:21)
I don’t know if you remember, but there was a time when you could walk a city block and not smell pot. And don’t get me wrong, I love driving an hour and a half to Randall’s Island to watch my son play soccer for 20 minutes. Of course, New York City is where Donald Trump was raised, right? And he turned out great. Yet, New York is a state that Donald Trump statistically has little chance to win. Who says you can’t go home again? Apparently 20 million people. But let’s not let this dais of dignitaries dressed like background actors on Downton Abbey distract from the significant achievement we’ve made tonight. I mean this in all sincerity, the money that we’ve raised tonight is significant and will have a positive impact.

(11:29)
And after we pressure Mike Bloomberg to give more money, we will break $10 million. $10 million. Everyone look at Michael Bloomberg and tell him he should give more money. $10 million is pretty impressive, you know what I mean? I mean granted, it could get you a studio apartment in Manhattan, which seems expensive, especially considering you can get a mayor for two business class flights. Oh, I didn’t think we had borders anymore. All right, let’s go positive here. Can we have a round of applause for First Lady Melania Trump, who presently has the number one book in America?

(12:49)
By the way, Jesus taught us to forgive seven times, not seven times, but seventy times seven. And Melania, you may be the first person to actually reach that. What’s that? Oh, well, she surpassed it. Congratulations. Looking at this impressive dais of attendees up here. I never know how to address you people. Do you prefer global elite or coastal elite? I mean, I know we live in sensitive times, and I don’t want to mislabel anyone. I’m personally excited to be up here and not just because you make me look young and principled. This seating arrangement is weird, right? I mean, it looks like the plutocrats are about to play Family Feud, and the survey says whatever you want.

(13:54)
This dais, actually, let’s be honest, this entire room is filled with some of the most powerful people in New York City and Brian Kilmeade. Remember Brian? I told you. Brian and I started doing stand-up together. So we’re friends, hopefully. I’m glad you guys have a sense of humor about this because this room is undeniably impressive. It really is. The prestige, the wealth, the allegations. I mean, wow. And don’t feel bad if you don’t have any allegations yet. Which reminds me, Letitia James is here. She had a great year. She’s just back there watching all of you. She is watching.

(14:59)
By the way, can I point out that this is a very nimble thing that I’m trying to do, right? Because if I am too critical of Vice President Harris, I will lose friendships and mess up my career. And if I am too critical of President Trump, I will lose friendships and improve my career, you know what I mean? By the way, RFK Jr. is here. Welcome, sir. RFK J. He’s part of the MAGA, Make America Healthy Again, right? I don’t know if he’s seen what Donald Trump eats, but Donald

Donald Trump eats like, well, me and the Cardinal, okay? And anyway, now the prompter guy, I went off book a little bit here. So anyway, I’d like to also welcome Mayor Adams, brought to you by Turkish Airlines. I was told to say that. It’s a sponsorship deal, people. We have a lot of formers on the dais tonight, all right? Former mayors, former governors, former respected journalists. Is there any other kind, really? Now, I understand some people may have an issue with a journalist appearing on a dais, hobnobbing with the rich and powerful. It would appear like a clear conflict of interest, and that’s because it absolutely is.

(16:59)
Look, the days of Walter Cronkite are gone. Most journalists have their own TikTok. President Trump regularly appears on a show called Fox and Friends. That’s not a mistake. He’s their best friend. Former Mayor Bloomberg is here. Mayor Bloomberg, you’re going to close that deal on bringing us to 10 million. Can you just nod in agreement, sir? Okay. Now, by the way, there are rumors that Mayor Bloomberg is planning to buy, I mean, run for mayor. I don’t know if that’s true. Quick question, Mayor Bloomberg, when you buy an election, do you put it on a credit card so you can get the points?

(18:08)
Because that’s what I would do. I already did the RFK joke, but anyway. Well, the one thing that I was going to say is that I feel like Donald Trump, make America healthy again. I feel like Donald Trump would probably be less loyal to RFK than he would be to KFC. Do you know what I mean? It’s like, I think the rank of Colonel Sanders, some of these I wrote during lunch. Woody Johnson is here tonight, owner of the New York Jets, heir to the Johnson & Johnson Pharmaceutical fortune. In divisive times, sir, you are a shining example, okay? If the head of Johnson and Johnson can sign an unvaxxed quarterback, maybe there is hope for this country. All right?

(19:16)
Not only is Woody Johnson here, Robert Kraft, owner of the New England Patriots is here. Welcome. By the way, as we know, they are bitter rivals on the football field. But here tonight, they’re here for the same reason, billionaires supporting Trump. It’s really beautiful. We are 19 days, 19 days from the election, this presidential election. It’s been different, right? I mean, it is crazy, because there’s no Russian interference, no Facebook. It’s crazy. It’s being left up to American voters and four billionaires. The Cardinal wrote that joke. There is one group that baffles me, and I think it baffles most everyone in this country. And I’m talking about the undecided voter. Are you kidding me? I mean, are you kidding me? You don’t know who you’re voting for? You don’t see a difference between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump? Nobody has ever thought, “Wait, is that a Trump quote or a Harris quote?”

(20:45)
The media has begun discussing the phenomena of secret Trump voters. I don’t know if you’ve heard about this. People who publicly say they would never vote for Trump, but then when they go in the voting booth, they do. It’s a small group. They’re called the Biden family. I think we’d all agree that we live in divided times, and whoever is elected in November, I hope they establish an initiative to heal the dividing that exists in this country. And I have a great name for this. It could be called Project 2025. It has a nice… Chuck, do you like it?

(21:41)
Okay, our first presentation tonight will be by Vice President Kamala Harris, okay? You have to admit, the Democrats have done an amazing job rebranding Vice President Harris, right? The term joyful warrior was used so many times at the Democratic Convention, I felt like I was at a yoga retreat. Let’s start off in a joyful warrior pose and then go straight into downward-facing Doug Emhoff. Good. Now, laugh uncontrollably. Remember to breathe. Vice President Harris’s trajectory has been astounding. In just the course of a couple of months, she went from mediocre vice president to everyone’s mamala. This is of course, a historic race for many reasons, right? If Vice President Harris wins this election, not only would she be the first female President, a Black woman would occupy the White House, a former Trump residence. Obviously, you wouldn’t be renting to her. I mean, that would never happen anyway. Maybe if Doug did the signing. All right, that one didn’t work.

(23:08)
This has been an interesting Presidential campaign. The Democrats have been telling us Trump’s reelection is a threat to democracy. In fact, they were so concerned of this threat, they staged a coup, ousted their democratically elected incumbent and installed Kamala Harris. In other words, all her dreams have come true. Really, it really makes you consider the power of prayer, right, Cardinal? Sometimes prayers take three and a half years and a George Clooney, op-ed. I don’t know who’s angry, but I don’t care. Anyway, can I point out? So I think I should get right to that. Now I am turning into Tim Walz, but Vice President Harris did have a scheduling conflict, but was generous enough to send us this video. Let’s take a look.

Your eminence, and distinguished guests, the Al Smith dinner provides a rare opportunity to set aside partisanship.

Sorry, sorry.

Hey, what’s going on? Who was that?

Sorry, Mary Katherine Gallagher. Mary Katherine Gallagher. It’s so nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you. Mary Katherine. Right now I’m trying to record my speech for tonight’s dinner.

Oh yeah, I know. I just want to say that I’m Catholic and tonight is one of the biggest dinners, next to the Last Supper.

It is a very important dinner, and it’s an important tradition that I’m so proud to be a part of.

Sometimes when I get nervous, I stick my fingers under my arms and I smell them like that. But that’s gross.

So tell me something. I’m giving a speech. Do you have some thoughts about what I might say tonight?

My feelings about what you should say tonight would be best expressed in a monologue from one of my favorite made-for-TV series.

Okay, let’s hear it.

Don’t you see, man? We need a woman to represent us. A woman brings more heart, more compassion, and think how smart she must be to become a top contender in a field dominated by men. It’s time for a woman, bro. And with this woman, we can fly.

What series was that from?

Oh, that’s from House of Dragons, now streaming on HBO Max.

Is there anything that you think that maybe I shouldn’t bring up tonight?

Well, don’t lie. Thou shalt not bear false witness to thy neighbor.

Indeed, especially thy neighbor’s election results.

Just, you know, there will be a fact-checker there tonight.

Oh, that’s great. Who?

Jesus. And maybe don’t say anything negative about Catholics.

I would never do that no matter where I was. That would be like criticizing Detroit in Detroit.

Does it bother you that that Trump guy insults you all the time? Because it really bothers my friends and me.

Oh, Mary Katherine, it’s very important to always remember. You should never let anyone tell you who you are. You tell them who you are.

Haters going to hate, hate, hate. Shake it off.

Shake it off.

Shake it off.

Shake it off. Good for you, Mary Katherine.

Madam Vice President, they’re ready.

Oh, yeah. Okay. And also remember one more thing. Don’t worry if you make a mistake, because Catholic people are very forgiving. Yeah. And also, one last thing I want to tell you. Don’t forget to say superstar.

Thank you, Mary Katherine.

Thank you, Mamala.

Thank you. Your Eminence and distinguished guest. The Al Smith dinner provides a rare opportunity to set aside partisanship and come together to do some good, by supporting the tremendous charitable work of the Catholic Church. The church cares for the sick and feeds the hungry, supports families with housing and education. And in times of disaster provides not only essential supplies, but also and so importantly, a sense of hope. The Gospel of Luke tells us that faith has the power to shine a light on those living in darkness and to guide our feet in the path of peace. In the spirit of tonight’s dinner, let us recommit to reaching across divides, to seek understanding and common ground. And in honor of the great Al Smith, let us fight to build a better future with faith in God, our country, and in each other. Thank you. May God bless you, and may God bless the United States of America.

I don’t even know what that noise you’re making is. I don’t know. As I watch that, I couldn’t help but think of, now I know how my kids felt when I FaceTimed into a piano recital they were at. Anyway. That only makes sense if you travel a lot. By the way, now it’s time for the main event, okay? Let’s get ready to rumble. This is also the only part of the show that you will see on Fox News. Shortly, I will introduce President Trump, who will likely talk about how Vice President Harris’ absence proves that she hates Catholics, Americans and babies. Then CNN and MSNBC will say, ” President Trump went too far,” and Elon Musk and Fox News will say he was pitch perfect. During the first and only debate, President Trump talked about migrants taking cats and eating them. If you’re keeping track at home, this is the second time grabbing a kitty has been part of a campaign issue.

We talked about leaving that out.

I was going to leave that out. But here’s the thing that’s so amazing about Donald Trump. It is impossible to not have a strong opinion about President Trump. You either think he is endearingly outspoken and brash, or you think he’s a sociopath and you’d like to be his running mate. Donald Trump and I have a lot in common. We both have five children, we both have a lush mane of golden hair, and we both try to travel as much as possible to get away from our families. President Trump, before I invite you up here to the podium, I want you to know if you are reelected, I always liked you, and I’m not saying that because I don’t want to be sent to a labor camp. Well, I guess that’s the reason, sir. Ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to bring up a who loves New York City. He is the Republican nominee and the 45th President of the United States, President Donald J. Trump.

Thank you, everybody. Well, thank you very much. It’s an honor. And they told me under no circumstances are you allowed to use a teleprompter, and I got up here and I see there’s this beautiful teleprompter. So here I am. But it is a tremendous thing. It’s a tremendous dinner. I’ve come here with my father. So it was three times, but it was also many times before that, a long time ago. And it’s a very special dinner. And you’ve done a fantastic job, Cardinal. Thank you very much. I appreciate it. So I’d like

… to thank, your eminence, very much and members of the clergy. So many people I know. Speaker of the House, Johnson, what a job you’re doing. He has done a great job. Senator Schumer, good. I supported him. I was, oh, I don’t know. I don’t know. He used to say that’s true and now I’m not sure he would. But I gave him his first check from an office in Beech Haven and I was very proud of it. I don’t know about it lately. No, I was, I was. It was his first check. He was running and I said, “He’s a good man.” Senator Gillibrand, thank you very much. Thank you very much for working hard.

(32:49)
Governor Hochul, wherever you may be, this is a big dais, right? Where is the governor? Good job. It’s not an easy one, is it? But you’re doing all right. We have to get a little money from the federal government. I have to tell you. It’s about time. It’s about time. Mayor Adams, good luck with everything. They went after you. They went after you, mayor.

(33:15)
Yeah, boy. I knew that. Nine and a half months ago, I said… And he just said something bad about the administration. He’s going to be indicted any moment. And guess what happened… But you’re going to win. I think you’re going to win. I know you’re going to win. So good luck. Good luck. I don’t like what they do. I don’t like what they do. I’ve got so many friends up here. It’s great. Not a great friend. Some of my best friends. And you are right, they are distinguished and they are wealthy for the most part. A couple are having a hard time, but they’re going to get over it.

(33:54)
I also want to thank my very beautiful wife and thank you for mentioning, but can you believe that she did a book? And it’s a really good book and she worked hard on it, and it just became number one on the New York Times list, so I think that’s okay. That’s not an easy thing to do, especially when your name is Trump and you’re on the New York Times list. That thing, that must be something like hotcakes. But thank you for mentioning, I appreciate it. Good job, you did.

(34:23)
It’s a true pleasure to be with you this evening. Amazing pleasure. And these days, it’s really a pleasure. Anywhere in New York without a subpoena for my appearance. Anytime I don’t get a subpoena, I’m very happy. They’ve gone after me, Mr. Mayor. You’re peanuts compared to what they’ve done to me. And you’re going to be okay. But I have to be careful, however, to understand that this will be the first time in the history of this event where jokes will be fact-checked and they will be. And they will be. It’s been a long tradition for both Democrat and Republican candidates for president of the United States to attend this dinner.

(35:12)
Always, it’s a rule. You got to go to the dinner. You got to do it, otherwise, bad things are going to happen to you from up there. You can’t do what I just saw on that screen, but my opponent feels like she does not have to be here, which is deeply disrespectful to the event and in particular to our great Catholic community, very disrespectful.

(35:43)
The last Democrat not to attend this important event was Walter Mondale, and it did not go very well for him. He lost 49 states and he won one, Minnesota. So I said, there’s no way I’m missing it. Actually, it was not easy for me to get here tonight. I wasn’t going to miss this thing. Matter, I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to miss it. But that’s true. Walter Mondale, 49 and one. He was expected to do well and it didn’t work out.

(36:20)
It shows you there is a God, I mean, for those people that are questioning. I understand the real reason that she’s not here is she’s hunting with her running mate, spending a lot of time hunting. In any event, it’s a weird, weird, weird, weird… You know the word weird? They call me weird. They call JD weird. We’re very solid people. This guy is calling us weird. But this was weird that the Democrat candidate is not here and with us tonight. I want to also congratulate somebody who’s going to make us all healthy. RFK Jr. we love you. I don’t see him. He’s campaigning all over the place. He’s campaigning. You’re all over.

(37:05)
Hello, you both. Nice to see you both. You’re doing a good job. He’s a great guy too. He really is. He’s going to make us a healthier place. We’re going to let him go wild for a little while. Then I’m going to have to maybe rein him back. He’s got some pretty wild ideas, but most of them are really good, I think. He’s a good man and he believes the environment. The healthy people. He wants healthy people. He wants healthy food and he’s going to do it. He’s going to have a big chance to do it because we do need that.

(37:37)
I would not have missed the Al Smith dinner for anything in the world. I still remember coming here as a very young guy with my father, Fred. He was a great guy, my father. He was a tough cookie, but he had a very big heart. Anytime we’d walk down the street… And you don’t see it too much anymore. There’d be people standing with tin cans, tin cans, and he would always take out $100 and put it in that can. And I always thought it was beautiful. And frankly, I even think more so now it was beautiful because nowadays you don’t see it so much.

(38:10)
But I miss him. And we used to come here very religiously. And a great New York tradition has been born 79 years ago. It was born 79 years ago. And there are some people that were here for almost at length. I know many of them and it’s not a pretty picture. It’s not a pretty picture. The two candidates for president are supposed to exchange good-natured barbs, and we get along very well. I didn’t like Biden very much, and now I like him quite a bit.

(38:45)
Now I say that she’s much worse than him. He was a much better candidate than her actually. And when we hopefully win, dispose of her, I like her a lot, but right now I can’t stand her. It’s true. I can’t stand her. I’ve never liked people that I was competing against. When you do, a lot of bad things happen. And we are doing well by the way. The votes are starting to come in. You got to get out and vote. And Catholics, you got to vote for me. Just remember. You better remember, I’m here and she’s not. I could have done that too.

(39:20)
But you do something that’s incredible. The Catholic church, you’re helping the poor, educating children and supporting the vulnerable. But if you really wanted Vice President Harris to accept your invitation, I guess you should have told her the funds were going to bail out the looters and rioters in Minneapolis and she would’ve been here guaranteed. She would’ve been here. Guaranteed.

(39:47)
She would’ve been okay. She would’ve been okay with that. But I know this isn’t my normal crowd tonight because it just isn’t. It’s not my normal crowd. Believe me, my normal crowd is younger, has a lot more energy. But you have certain advantages too, like cash, lots of cash. But many of you’re Manhattan liberals from the media and the Democrat Party. I always say the Democrat. Chuck doesn’t like that. He likes Democratic and it sounds much more beautiful. The Democratic Party. I always say the Democrat Party, because it sounds worse.

(40:28)
It’s true. He likes Democratic. Why don’t they just change the name this way? It is Democrat. But I must say I was shocked when I heard that Kamala was skipping the Al Smith dinner. I’d really hoped that she would come because we can’t get enough of hearing her beautiful laugh. She laughs like crazy. We would recognize it any place in this room. And all polls are indicating I’m leading big with the Catholic vote, as I should be, as I should be. But I don’t think Kamala has given up yet. She hasn’t. Instead of attending tonight, she’s in Michigan receiving communion from Gretchen Whitmer.

(41:14)
That’s not a pretty sight. But Catholics, please don’t be too insulted by Kamala’s absence. [inaudible 00:41:22] If the Democrats… Thank you very much. I appreciate that. If Democrats really wanted to have someone not be with us this evening, they would’ve just sent Joe Biden. He’s having second thoughts, you know that, right? He wants to come back. If she does any worse than the polls, they’re going to bring him back again.

(41:44)
I think, Chuck, he’s going to do it. He’s the one that got him out. That’s the guy. Much more so than crazy Nancy, I will tell you because I know him. He did it. Joe has almost disappeared from view. The only way he could be seen less is if he had a show on CNN. They had nothing. They’ve got nothing. Fake news, right? Fake. That term wasn’t good. They say that term is no longer in vogue because it’s much worse than fake. I don’t want to tell you what the real name is. I won’t do it because all those cameras would shut off immediately. They don’t like that.

(42:21)
But apparently Joe didn’t think it was fair for me to have the podium to myself with Kamala skipping the event. So he called, looked at me and said, “Don’t.” Does anybody understand that? I thought it was actually very good until just now. It was announced this morning that at a funeral yesterday, in a rare moment of clarity. Joe told Barack Hussein Obama, they quote… Only a few people got that. Or as Rush Limbaugh used to say, “Barack Hussein Obama.” Remember him? He was a piece of work. We miss him.

(43:07)
But as he told Barack Hussein Obama quote, “She’s not as strong as me. She’s not as strong.” Do you understand that? And Obama agreed saying, “That’s true. Other than that, I think the Democrats are getting along quite well.” Nobody got that one. The fact is, we need new leadership in this country right now. We have someone in the White House who can barely talk, barely put together two coherent sentences, who seems to have mental faculties of a child. It’s sad. He’s a person that has nothing going. No intelligence whatsoever. But enough about Kamala Harris. Let’s get onto something.

(43:53)
I know Kamala’s word because she spends a lot of time complaining. I won’t agree to another debate. But the truth is, I’ve debated twice this year once against Joe Biden and once against David Muir of ABC. That was amazing. 11 times. None for the other side. Do you think that’s fair news? I don’t think so. That’s fake news. I don’t know what’s going to happen three weeks from now. It’s going to be very interesting. It just started.

(44:25)
Isn’t it sort of exciting, right? It really i. Isn’t just exciting what’s going on? It’s a process. It’s a rough process too. Not so pretty and yet sometimes very beautiful. But the press is reporting the Democrats are starting to panic. They’re panicking. They are panicking because you know the votes that are coming and are coming in very, very strong a certain way. I won’t tell you what way that is, but Chuck Schumer is here looking very glum. Doesn’t he look glum? He looks glum.

(44:57)
But look on the bright side, Chuck, considering how woke your party has become, if Kamala loses, you still have a chance to become the first woman president. And actually, I said, “Do you mind if I do that?” He said, “No, you got to do what you got to do. He’s a pro. He’s a professional.” No, he’s a good man actually. I hate to say it. Don’t ever use it against me, please. They’ll say, “This dinner was really setting me back when I say it now.” But I’ve known him a long time.

(45:35)
There’s a group called White Dudes for Harris. Have you seen this? White Dudes for Harris? Anybody know? Are some of you here? White Dudes for Harris? Doesn’t sound like it. But I’m not worried about them at all because their wives and their wives’ lovers are all voting for me. Every one of those people are voting for me. And as you may have seen, Kamala did an interview on Fox News yesterday. It went so poorly for her that the Democrats have been forced to install another 100 drop boxes throughout the city.

(46:14)
And the upside really is Kamala now sees the benefit of deportation. She wants to deport people. She’s vicious. She wants to deport people and she wants to start by deporting Bret Baier of Fox. It’s an interesting interview last night. A major issue in this race is child care. And Kamala has put forward a concept of a plan. A lot of people don’t like it. The only piece of advice I would have for her and the event that she wins would be not to let her husband, Doug, anywhere near the nannies. Just keep them away. That’s a nasty one. That’s nasty.

(46:53)
I told these idiots that gave me this stuff, that’s too tough. Oh, they told me the last time I did this, I was running against Crooked Hillary and… I mean, Hillary. I was running against Crooked Hillary and I did it, and I thought it was a roast. So I was told it’s a roast. And I had the meanest guy you’ve ever seen write stuff up and man, was the room angry. Even the Cardinal remembers. I went overboard. Don’t you agree, Cardinal? It was like terrible. And I knew I was in trouble around midway through because people had… Not even my own side was angry at me. They were saying, “It’s too much.” But I did it anyway. I didn’t give a damn.

(47:40)
Campaigning could take a toll on a family and family life. Although I hear that Kamala and her husband carve out some really beautiful alone time at the end of the day for an intimate dinner. Just Doug, her and the teleprompter that she uses quite well. And by the way, she wouldn’t have liked this

Tonight if she was told about no teleprompter. I can’t believe I saw a teleprompter. They said they’ve never had a teleprompter in the history of this dinner. I told that to the [inaudible 00:48:11], right? And then a teleprompter pops up for… He must be a very important comedian to get that. They give you one, but not me. How about that one? Come here. You did a good job.

(48:24)
Tradition holds that I’m supposed to tell a few self-deprecating jokes this evening. So here it goes. Nope, I’ve got nothing. I’ve got nothing. There’s nothing to say. I guess I just don’t see the point of taking shots at myself when other people have been shooting at me for a hell of a long time and they shoot. You know they say about presidents, they say that Andrew Jackson was the president that was the most meanly treated. His wife died. She died of heartache. She was heartbroken at the way they treated him. And they say that second was Abraham Lincoln, but he was in charge of a civil war. But those were the two, Andrew Jackson… Up until me. Now they say it’s not even close. There’s never been a president that’s been treated so badly as me and our people aren’t happy about it. But I was treated a little bit rough, but I don’t mind it somehow and I think it’s just part of the game.

(49:32)
I’d like to thank our emcee this evening, Jim Gaffigan. Most recently Jim has been playing Tim Walz on Saturday Night Live, and that’ll be a very short gig, I hope, Jim. But it was fun while it lasted, wasn’t it? Let’s see how that lasts, right? It better be quick. We don’t want him, and I’m not going to say anymore. But unfortunately Governor Walz isn’t here himself. But don’t worry, he’ll say that he was. He’s going to say…

(50:03)
I used to think that Democrats were crazy for saying that men have periods, but then I met Tim Walz. The stupid show, The View is so bad now that the other day I was watching it and thinking to myself, you know what? They really need to bring Rosie O’Donnell back. That show is bad. Those people are bad. I know every one of them and they are bad news, I want to tell you. And it doesn’t do very well either. I always like to say ratings are very important. When they don’t do well, it doesn’t do very well. As I look around the dais, I see all of the usual suspects.

(50:48)
For instance, Mayor Adams. I’d like to poke some fun at Eric, but I’m going to be nice. I just want to be nice because I know what it’s like to be persecuted by the DOJ for speaking out against open borders. We were persecuted, Eric. I was persecuted and so are you, Eric. The Mayor’s dietary restrictions are well known, but I’ve got to say I’ve never met a person who’s a vegan who liked turkey so much. There’s something about him with turkey, I just found that out today. I haven’t been in New York that much. Don’t let it… But, you’re going to win, Eric.

(51:24)
We have another former New York City mayor with us, frankly, easily the worst in our history. And it’s not Michael, that I can tell you. I’m surprised that Bill de Blasio was actually able to make it tonight, to be honest. He was a terrible mayor. I don’t give a shit if this is comedy or not. He was a terrible mayor. He did a horrible job. That’s not comedy, by the way. That’s fact. But unlike the rest of New York, at least Bill doesn’t have to worry about the criminals. They owe him big. He let them get away with a lot of stuff. Well, I’d better wrap up because Mayor Adams told me earlier that I needed to make this one very quick. Especially the city has reserved this room for a large group of illegal aliens coming in from Texas. That’s right. They’ve reserved many rooms, many rooms, a lot of rooms, too many rooms.

(52:26)
But in all seriousness, it’s an honor to be here to support the city and the community. It’s a great community that I love. I’ve been here a long time and I love it. And that it’s going to make a big comeback, and I’m going to help it make a comeback. I’m going to win and I’m going to make a comeback. We’re going to turn this thing around. And I want to pay tribute to a really incredible man, a man who was a tremendous politician and actually the fact that he was Catholic it probably did him in. Nobody knows for sure, but he was a great guy. Al Smith, great guy. Everyone says it. Happy warrior. I’ve said before that, I’ll say it again, I’ll say it again as many times as I have to directly to the Mayor and the Governor, if I have the honor to be elected next month… We’re going to see what happens. It’s happening so fast. But if I have the honor, I look forward to working together to make this city greater than ever before. We’re going to do that.

(53:27)
We’re going to be focused on our work with the governor. I’ll work with the Mayor. Democrats, I will work with them. I work with whoever I have to, and we will even work very hard to bring back the SALT tax deduction. We’re going to bring it back. We’re going to bring it back. We’re going to get that thing going, Chuck. Okay? I actually thought about not doing jokes tonight. I was going to come out here and say, listen, our country is doing very badly. This is not about jokes. And then some person said, you have to do jokes. I said, I don’t want to. There’s nothing funny about what’s happening to our country. And I actually meant that I was going to do that, but they convinced me to say some of the things I said tonight.

(54:09)
I don’t know if they were funny or not. But hey, you think this is easy standing up here and doing this in front of half a room that hates my guts and the other half loves me. Half of us love me… Well, maybe it’s I think 75% love me. But I actually though I did think about that, and our country is doing very badly with respect to its open borders and inflation crushing, things happening in the Middle East and Ukraine. It’s so sad to see what’s happening in Ukraine. Wow. I had a lot of people, very religious people come up to me tonight from Ukraine, and they’re asking me for help. So sad to see so many people have been killed in Ukraine and we’re going to get it settled up if we win. As President-elect, I’m going to get that done. I’m going to do it before we ever get… We have to get it stopped. Too much killing. It’s killing. And all of those cities are coming crashing down. Those beautiful golden domes are crashing down on their sides.

(55:18)
So sad to see. The whole thing is so sad. So we’re going to be… For all those people, there’s so many people came up to the dais and religious people from Ukraine and I told them, don’t worry, we’re going to get it stopped. It’s too bad it ever started. It should have never started. It wouldn’t have started. But we’re going to have our country respected again. We’re going to make sure that it’s respected and we’re going to go out and do very good things for ourselves as a country and for the world.

(55:46)
These are challenging times for our beautiful USA. But I’m committed to working with every partner here in New York and all across the nation to build an America that once again is strong and safe and proud and prosperous and free. I’m going to make sure. Together we can create a future defined by great ambitions and grand achievements that once again inspires the dreams of our children, brings back the American dream. You don’t hear about the American dream anymore. We’re going to make it possible for them to have the American dream. This is a very religious evening to me, it really is. It represents so much.

(56:26)
My sister was somebody that loved the church and gave to the church. The cardinal knew that. Had a certain priest that she thought was incredible, right? A certain, very fine man that she thought was incredible. Having recently myself survived two assassination attempts, survived. I have a chart that went down to the right, fortunately I looked, it’s my all-time favorite piece of paper. But it went down and I looked to the right and I said, was that luck? Was that luck or was that God that did that? And I think it was God that did that. I do. I do.

(57:09)
Cardinal, I have a very fresh appreciation for how blessed we are by God’s providence and his divine mercy. I mean, that was something I was not supposed to be here tonight that I can tell you. So with God’s help, I know there is nothing that cannot be achieved. We can achieve so much good with this country and get together and unify. I want to thank the Al Smith Foundation for its noble work, and I want to express my tremendous gratitude to the Catholic community. It’s a great community. It’s a community I’ve gotten along with all my life. I’ll tell you, when I was president I was in the Oval Office that I got a call from the Cardinal and he said, we need help.

(57:52)
It was during the China virus, I want to be accurate when I describe it. And he said, we need help. Our schools are in devastating shape. They needed much more than a billion. I won’t even tell you the number. But much more than a billion dollars. But I’ve known the community and I’ve known the schools. I know so many people that were educated in the Catholic school system and they are great, and they just speak with it with love much more so than almost any system that I’ve seen. And he said, sir, we have a big problem. We need a number of billions of dollars or we’re going to have to close down the New York School System, the whole system in New York. And I said, give me 15 minutes. I think I can find it. And we gave him billions of dollars. And you know what? He stayed open and they thrived. And to this day I hear you did just about the best job there is in education.

(58:52)
And that was always an honor. And every time he sees me, he says, thank you very much. I said, I know what you’re talking about. But we worked together. We were a good partnership. We got that money in about 15 minutes, billions, and it was put to very good use. But I just want to thank everybody. This is a special evening. It’s a very serious evening, I think. We have some serious problems in the world, but they’re going to get solved and we’re going to make America great again. And thank you very much. And God bless you all. Thank you. Thank you very much.

(59:24)
[inaudible 00:59:43]

Thank you, President Trump. This concludes our first half of the program. It is my honor, I would like to invite Cardinal Dolan back to the stage for some closing thoughts. Please welcome back the Cardinal.

Mr. President, thank you. Thank you very much. Thanks, most of all for bringing your wife. You’re sure welcome here, Mrs. Trump. Thanks for coming.

(01:00:26)
I just had a unique occasion. Can you imagine sitting here with Chuck Schumer on my right and Donald Trump on my left? That is a rare occurrence, folks, to have that. The President’s right, we were blessed in the COVID crisis to have two very important New Yorkers who could help us. And you were right, Mr. President, you came through. And so did you, Senator Schumer. So thank you. Thank you very much.

(01:00:58)
Jim, thank you. I knew you’d come through. You’re as gracious as they come and as funny as they come. And Mary, we sure appreciate your leadership and that of the Alfred Smith Board. And most of all, I appreciate the leadership and the generosity of the people in this room this evening. My love and my gratitude to all of you. Thank you. So what do you say, we just pray. All right?

(01:01:28)
In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, let us pray. Dear Lord, when we’re at a loss for words, which was hardly the case this evening, it’s best just to whisper thanks. And that’s our word as we conclude this glorious evening. Thanks, dear God and Father of us all. Thanks Mary. Mary Erdoes and our renowned Al Smith Board, Susan and Kate and the staff. Thanks Jim Gaffigan. Thanks, President and Mrs. Trump. Thanks to all of you who gave us an evening and a generous check to the women and kids in need. Just like those who would crowd around Al Smith at the piano as he sang East Side, West Side.

(01:02:17)
So dear Lord, get us home safely. Get us to bed soon. Get us to rise tomorrow. Grateful as usual to you again, trusting in your gift of another day. Amen. Thanks everybody. God bless. See you next year.

(01:02:34)
[inaudible 01:02:41]

Ladies and gentlemen, we thank you for attending this year’s Al Smith Dinner and we look forward to seeing you again next year. Please enjoy the after party, for a party for all parties. Good evening.