Nikki Glaser (00:03):
Good evening, and welcome to the 82nd Golden Globes. Ozempic's biggest night. If you're watching on CBS, hello. If you're watching on Paramount+, you have six days left to cancel your free trial.
(00:19)
I'm Nikki Glaser, and I am absolutely thrilled to be your host tonight. Thank you. And I got to say, I got to say this feels like I finally made it. I'm in a room full of producers at the Beverly Hilton Hotel, and this time all of my clothes are on. So yeah, it was worth it.
(00:44)
Now, some of you may know me as a stand-up comedian and from my appearances on Roast, but I am not here to roast you tonight. I want you to know that. And how could I, really? You're all so famous, so talented, so powerful. I mean, you could really do anything. I mean, except tell the country who to vote for, but it's okay. You'll get them next time, if there is one. I'm scared. Ariana, hold my finger. Thank you. Thank you.
(01:18)
Well, tonight we celebrate the best of film and hold space for television. Yes. Wicked, Queer, Nightbitch, these are not just words Ben Affleck yells after he orgasms. These are some of the incredible movies nominated tonight. The Bear, The Penguin, Baby Reindeer. These are not just things found in RFK's freezer. These are TV shows nominated tonight. And what a night. I look out and I see some of the hardest-working actors in show business. And by that I mean your servers. Yes. Yes. Give it up. They'll be bringing you your cocktails to drink and your food that you'll look at.
(02:11)
But I also see some absolute Hollywood legends. I mean, we have got some huge movie stars here tonight. Kate Winslet is here. Cate Blanchett. Colin Farrell. And let's not forget, let's not forget, so many huge TV stars as well. Kate Winslet, Cate Blanchett, Colin Farrell. I mean, even Oscar-winning actor Eddie Redmayne did TV this year. He's nominated for Peacock's The Day of the Jackal. Yes. Yes. It's about a top secret, elite sniper that no one can find because he's on Peacock. I think I've seen more actual peacocks in my life than shows on Peacock.
(02:58)
Denzel Washington is here for Gladiator 2. Cynthia Erivo is here for Wicked. Amazing. And Martin Short is here because we have cameras. I love you. Zendaya is here. Zendaya, you were incredible in Dune. Oh my God, I woke up for all of your scenes. You are so good. And Challengers, girl, oh my God, it was so good. I mean, that movie was more sexually charged than Diddy's credit card. I mean, seriously. Oh, no, no, I know. I'm sorry. I'm upset too. The after party's not going to be as good this year, but we have to move on. I know Stanley Tucci freak-off just doesn't have the same ring to it, but no baby oil this year. Just lots of olive oil. Okay?
(03:56)
Tilda Swinton is here. Tilda Swinton. Amazing. Tilda Swinton is, of course, nominated this year for her role as Timothée Chalamet. You're amazing. Where is Timothée Chalamet? Hi, Timothée. You were great as Timothée Chalamet this year too, really. And I love you. And can I just say, you have the most gorgeous eyelashes on your upper lip? I think this is just such a good look. I love you. Dude, you were so good in A Complete Unknown as Bob Dylan. Wasn't he just incredible? So good, dude. Seriously.
(04:38)
In fact, I actually read that your singing voice was so accurate that even Bob Dylan himself admitted that it was absolutely horrible. You nailed it. And you know, Timothée, you're just so great at playing these beloved eccentrics. Dylan, Willy Wonka, who's next? Adam Sandler. Please. Actually, your name sounds like something Adam Sandler would say. "Chalamet. Timothée Chalamet. Oh, yes. Timothée Chalamet." I think Sandler's here. Sandler, can I get a Chalamet?
Adam Sandler (05:14):
Chalamet.
Nikki Glaser (05:15):
Oh, Chalamet. A good Chalamet to you, sir. A Chalamet to you. Yes, Sandler. I love you.
(05:30)
Well, we can't talk about movies tonight without talking about Wicked. I did not know much about Wicked going into this year because I had friends in high school, but I loved it. I loved it so much. Everyone loved Wicked. I loved Wicked. My boyfriend loved Wicked. My boyfriend's boyfriend really loved Wicked. It was so much fun. It's so much fun seeing a musical in the theater. And some theaters had issues with the musicals. Wicked, some people complained that the movie was ruined by people singing. And then at Joker 2, some people complained that the movie was ruined by the images on the screen and the sounds that accompanied them. I'm sorry, Joker 2. Where's their table? Oh, they're not here. That's right.
(06:27)
Well, the legendary Harrison Ford is here tonight. I was actually talking to Harrison backstage and after he gave me his drink order, I asked him, I said, "Would you rather work with Zendaya or Ariana?" And he said, "Indica." So, we're going to find him some so he has a good time tonight. We want you to have fun.
(06:55)
Nicole Kidman is here. Oh my gosh. Nominated for Babygirl. You were so good. I love that movie. That movie, I give it two fingers up. It's so good. This is your 20th Golden Globe nomination. I mean, incredible. Thank you so much for all of your hard work. Thank you. Thank you for working so hard. And thank you to Keith Urban for playing guitar around the house so much that she wants to leave and make 18 movies a year. Keep strumming, you kooky koala.
(07:29)
Who else is here? Oh, look, it's two-time Holocaust survivor, Adrien Brody. Who else? Glen Powell. Glen Powell, what a year you've had. Oh my God. Glen, you were in everything. Twisters, Hitman, my head when I'm having sex with my boyfriend. Thank you so much for the assist. I'll see you tonight. But Selena Gomez. Selena Gomez is here, double nominee tonight for Emilia Perez and Only Murders, and she's here tonight with her new fiance, Benny Blanco. Yes. And Benny Blanco is here because of the genie who granted him that wish. Man, lucky guy. I love you. Selena, you were so good in Emilia Perez. I loved it so much. Emilia Perez, yes. Emilia Perez earned 10 nominations for Netflix and I loved it. I think it is without a doubt the most audacious, groundbreaking film to ever autoplay after Is It Cake? Seriously. So good.
(08:45)
I'm so excited to be here. I really think this is going to be a very memorable evening, and maybe not even in the way that you think. I predict five years from now when you're watching old clips of this show on YouTube, you'll see someone in one of the crowd shots and you'll go, "Oh my God, that was before they caught that guy." We could be making history tonight and we don't even know with who. He knows or she. It could be a woman. I think 100% of the time it's a man, but it could be a woman. It won't be. It never is. Kind of like best director. All right.
(09:32)
Well, before we start handing out awards, I do want to remind you, if you do lose tonight, please just keep in mind that the point of making art is not to win an award. The point of making art is to start a tequila brand so popular that you never have to make art again. All right. Yes. Are you guys ready to kick this thing off?